I feel like I’m falling into a downward spiral of over medicating. Right now, I’m on Prednisone, which fucks with me so hard. I get severe anxiety and depression. So this time, I was given Ativan to deal with it. Plus, I’m on my usual pain meds. I just feel like I’m taking so much stuff that its… too much? But I can’t help it. I am in a shit ton of pain, so I just took 2 Percocets. And I felt like I was shaking out of my skin, so I took an Ativan.
Maybe I’m just freaking myself out, paranoid that I’m going to become an addict. Because I’ve seen it happen to people too often. It scares me. And I guess that’s probably a good thing. A fear of addiction that keeps me in check with my medications. But right now, with how I feel on the Prednisone, I’m not entirely sure if I care. I feel like I can’t care about anything. I feel like crying all the time. I snap at everyone around me. I hate it. I just want it to end. But I am going to be on Prednisone for 8 fucking weeks.
I’m terrified of what I’m going to do. To myself. To other people. And I just don’t know anymore. I’m trying to keep the negative thoughts away. The suicidal thoughts. Because as much as I feel like it would help, I know it’s not an option. I can’t do that to the people around me. But I just want everything to stop. I want to not exist right now.
Now I can’t stop crying. I’ve been doing everything I can to keep my brain busy. Between watching things on netflix, doing a jigsaw puzzle online, and playing an idle clicker game online, I thought I was doing good. But everything just hit me when I had to take my night time meds.
I can’t get enough sleep anymore because of the Prednisone, so my emotions are even more all over the place, ON TOP of the fuckery the Prednisone causes.
I just wish it could all go away.